Psychological well-being is something that we all have a right to. However, for a variety of reasons to do with upbringing, life experiences, physiology, environment and so on… we often find ourselves with a mind-state other than what we desire. Depression, anxiety, and stress seem to be the major obstacles to just feeling good – judging by the number of visits to doctors for help with these problems.
It doesn’t really matter what the label is for your particular problem, if you follow the seven steps diligently, there will be an improvement in your general feeling of well being.
The Seven Steps are:
2. Releasing guilt
3. Expressing Appreciation
4. Physical exercise
5. Creative activity
6. Right livelihood
They need to be taken in sequence. Total mastery is not required, but the time to move on is when you feel, or get a sense, that some movement has taken place within your mind. Psychological shifts are felt with a lightness, better sleep, smiling, singing, noticing beauty around you, wanting to do something different, spring cleaning…
Acceptance is the single most important step to take. Acceptance is giving up being a victim. Acceptance is giving up giving up. Acceptance is a declaration of intent to move forward with life rather than continue to stagnate and blame circumstances or individuals for how things are.
Acceptance is the shift towards accepting that whatever is going on in your life is your responsibility. It is recognising that you are where you are because of the choices you have made in life. And if this means that you have to accept the crazy idea that you made a choice to suffer from a physical illness, then you do just that – accept it. Acceptance is no longer fighting. Once you no longer fight, you no longer resist. Once you no longer resist you can move with the flow.
Every single thing, big or small, good or bad, you simply say to yourself “I accept that this is going on for me right now”. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to keep it forever. You just have to accept it in the present moment if it’s there.
The truth is that it’s there whether or not you accept it. So by accepting you are not making things worse, because you’ve already got it. You are just changing your position in relation to it.
Accept also that the thinking that got you where you are is unlikely to get you out – otherwise it would have already done so. You need to think differently. Acceptance is thinking differently. Acceptance is approaching the problem with wisdom. If you are so frightened you can’t go outside without a companion, and even then you are terrified, then just accept that that’s the way you are right now. You don’t have to understand why you are like that, you just need to acknowledge it. “I am too frightened to go out right now, so I’ll stay in”; “I’m really worried about my new boss right now, but that’s okay, worry is a natural event in the face of difficult circumstances”; “I feel really depressed, but that’s okay, it’s just my mind’s way of preparing me for change”. You can always find something to say to yourself that is accepting.
Guilt is something we are taught to experience. It is unnatural. Guilt can be experienced in the form: I did something I shouldn’t have done and now I feel bad; or I didn’t do something I should have done and now I feel bad; either way this is a self-created guilt. Or it can be induced “you should feel bad because…” when you behaved in a way that someone disapproved of; or in the form “well I was planning on going out tonight and I almost never go out with my mates and you go out all the time, but if you really want to go out, then I’ll stay in… don’t think there’s much on telly…”.
Whatever you did or didn’t do is done or not done. Feeling bad about it can’t undo it. This style of guilt is a belief in a Time Machine. It is engaging in fantasy. What is in the past is in the past. Either own up and take the consequences, or don’t. Choose which it is to be and then consign the experience to the past where it belongs and shift your attention to the present moment.
Emotional blackmail is the other way guilt is commonly experienced. Just stop playing that game. If you accept responsibility for your own feelings, then you must allow others to do the same. Do what you want to do and as long as you are not physically or psychologically harming others then that’s ok. Someone sulking because you are having more fun than them won’t do them any harm. When you give in to emotional blackmail you are effectively walking round with a big sign on your back saying – Abuse me, I don’t mind.
This is one of the most difficult steps to master, so remember mastery is not the goal. The real problem with expressing appreciation is that many people feel uncomfortable when appreciation is expressed for something they have done “it was nothing”, “don’t mention it”, “anyone would have done it”.
Let’s say you decide to buy a gift for someone you love (not a sexual partner, a friend) just so they know how important they are in your life. You spend a lot of time choosing the gift. You wrap it beautifully and present it to them. They take one look and hand it back. How would you feel? Most people would feel at least a little hurt.
Appreciation is a gift.
Appreciation is a gift of love.
When someone does something for you that you like – let them know. Write an e-mail, send a letter, give a bigger tip, say something more than the ritual “thank you” – “thank you that was nice”, “I really enjoyed…”, “you are very thoughtful”…
Money is a wonderful way to express appreciation. Buy from those whom you appreciate. Send donations. Offer payment where none is expected.
And as you start to express appreciation more and more in your life you will find one day that when someone offers that gift of appreciation to you, you will not reject it you will accept it with “thanks, that’s really nice of you to say”.
However much exercise you get you can always increase it. There is much truth in the old adage – A healthy mind in a healthy body.
Exercise is the expression of appreciation for your beautiful body. Your body is such a miraculous creation – so complex, so incredibly amazing – that it would be a rejection at the deepest level for you to ignore its physical well-being. It doesn’t matter how unfit you are. You can always exercise more than you are doing. Exercise releases endorphins. You feel better after exercise. The benefits are cumulative. It provides more oxygen to the brain, creates more alertness, awakens the immune system and so makes it easier to fight pathogens. But most of all it establishes a discipline and routine that is frequently lacking when mental health is poor. This change alone will improve the situation. Should you have any physical health problems then seek your doctor’s advice about exercise.
Everyone is a creative being. Stifling our creative outlet leads to poor mental health Our creativity is frequently stifled long before we realise what is happening, and then it seems too late because we believe what we have been told about ourselves. Creativity is about expressing yourself in the world. If you create a simple, badly written story with atrocious spelling and poor grammar, then you have expressed yourself creatively. Your creative works don’t have to be seen by others. Others tend to judge, and if you decide to create in an area where others have much greater expertise then your creation will not initially withstand comparison. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
Photography and gardening have been loves of mine since I was 14. I decided to combine the two interests and my photographs developed a distinctly horticultural slant. At one point I wanted to share them with the world and offered them for sale. It was a while before I made my first sale, and another while before one of my pictures adorned the cover of a magazine. One day I looked back at those first photographs I offered. I felt embarrassed at the poor quality – compared to my later work. But it was only by taking more and more pictures, looking at what was being published, and constantly improving that I achieved my dream of a picture on a magazine cover. But the important thing was that I enjoyed what I was doing. I didn’t have to show them to the world. I didn’t have to place them in the market for comparison with others who had much greater skill and experience than I. But I did need to take the pictures. It was part of who I was and how I needed to express myself. My pleasure came from the picture taking, looking at the pictures, and constantly seeking ways to become more skilled at my craft.
Express yourself in something that you love to do. Show it only if you want to, but don’t stop doing it while you love what you do.
In a way this follows on from the previous step. It is the logical consequence of expressing yourself through what you love to do.
Now lest you are becoming concerned that I might ask you to do something you can’t do – like find another job – I never ask anyone to do what they can’t do. I might, however, ask you to ask yourself what exactly is it that is stopping you from doing it. At least that way you can move towards an acceptance of the barrier to happiness.
From time to time I ask the people I encounter “If you could be doing anything you wanted to do, would you choose your current livelihood?”. I’ve yet to meet someone who answered ‘yes’ to that question. Those people are out there. They just don’t need to come to see me.
People tend to either hate what they do, but it’s all they can get in the way of work; or their work is okay, but they are earning too much money to give it up and do something fun for a living.
Look to how you feel when you get up in the morning on a workday. Is there any excitement or sense of anticipation or looking forward to the challenges of the day ahead? This is a good sign. If there is dread, a wishing for the day to be over, tiredness, or a general lack of enthusiasm – then something needs to change, either the work or the attitude towards it.
Go back to step one and accept whatever it is you are engaged in right now. Accept that you would like to be doing something more fun but that you don’t know how to bring about the change, or you are fearful of taking the necessary steps. That’s all. As best you can find small pleasures in what you do – even if it’s just the appreciation for how the income makes life better than life would be without that income; or appreciation for the good feeling that comes from making a contribution that benefits someone, somewhere.
And then make a list of all the things you love to do.
And then write a fantasy job description for an income-generating job doing each of the things on your list.
Then find a way to do one of the things you love to do for free.
Meditation is a mind/body regenerating exercise. Aim initially for 10 minutes once a day at a regular time and place. If you have such a busy schedule that you haven’t got 10 minutes to spare then I’ll tell you how you can create 10 minutes out of nothing. But I know you won’t do it, because “I haven’t got time for 10 minutes meditation every day” is just an excuse to avoid coming face to face with yourself.
There are plenty of books and articles on meditation so I won’t go into the technique here. But I would also like you to consider that in part I am suggesting quiet space for you to relax and let go of the busy-ness in your mind for a few minutes on a daily basis. This is a regenerating activity.
It is essential.
It is rejuvenating.
It is the most difficult step, and therefore, it has the capacity to bring about the greatest sense of achievement.
… and if you really want to know how to get the free 10 minutes then you’ll have to e-mail me.